Primal Wound Book Tourist: Day 2 Hello

Hello,
I feel honored to be in your company. I will say that Nancy, our esteemed author of The Primal Wound ,and the participants
for day one discussions have set my mind spining and spiraling not out of control....but pretty close. To all, I feel your
honesty, your intensity, your passion and your insight and collectively as representatives of the adoption triad I listen intently.

I am a birthmother. My son was born in 1966. He was adopted by a very special family. They had been chosen for him...I believed that and I believed that I had been part of that decision. I felt fortunate that he was healthy, and that he had so much to look forward to in his life. I also felt special that he would always in spirit be part of my life.
I returned to college and I
forgot. For 42 years I have not discussed my child openly. The circumstances of my short time with him were a fearful place for me to enter. I tried not to believe that my absence from his life made him sad or insecure. I was sad for my parents and all the things we never said and sometimes I was sad.... heartbroken for myself. I
did hold my son in my heart and I measured events in my life by his age and who I thought he was becoming. I guess I followed him subconsciously. We started to catch up on our real lives 18 months ago. I wish I could describe in words the largeness of my present joy.

I have just completed reading The Primal Wound. Every fiber of my being was screaming and I could read only in bite size pieces. I find that philosophically once again
I am somewhat alone. There has always been the chorus ringing in my head, 'you did the right thing' like a constant in my world. I knew if I shared my son with anyone, it would be something that people would continue to assure me with. What I now see is that Nancy Verrier is suggesting that there are other factors we never acknowledged and that there are wounds which are inevitable when children are abandoned. She has
very powerful ideas and some very strong support for those ideas. 'Adoption as an Experience' opens with a quotation which is telling us....hey....'The truth is, much of what we have traditionally believed about babies is false. We have misunderstood and underestimated their abilities. .....they are.....complex...they are ageless....they are small creatures with unexpectedly large thoughts.' I read in bite size pieces and Nancy, I am to some extent trying to hold myself at bay yet be realistic about the struggles that my decisions caused to be placed on my birthson's doorstep. I see how he is taking command of his life and happiness and hope that the addition of me and his birthfather and his birthfathers children now into his life is not too late and that each of us will develop relationships which are lasting, maybe slightly imperfect but healing. We are now his extended family, forever supportive.

Questions:
1. If you found your surrendered child and discovered he/she was not aware of their adoption, do you believe it is better to tell them? How would you do so?

It is absolutely essential that the adoptee eventually knows the truth as much as is possible about their birth and their
biological family. In this situation the birthparent is doing the search. It is necessary that they meet. Wounds from our
past do not only manifest themselves in the adoptees but also in both sets of parents. In this particular situation, there are
many variables which have to be considered. I am not sure how prevalent this dishonesty is among adoptive families. I think
that most recognize that such secrecy does not make a savory situation. The adoptive parents know the child is adopted
and they also know that the child has needs that cannot be masked with lies. I believe that adopted children instinctively
notice subtle differences in themselves (physical and behavoral) from their adoptive family and if not acknowledged, could
result in great frustration and confusion. They certainly ask themselves questions and if there are no logical answers,
insecure feelings can play havoc in the behavioral development of the child. The adoptive parents are essentially driving a
wedge in the relationship they have with that child. If the adoptive parents are alive, it is essential for the birthparents doing

the search try to work with them to end the secrecy. If there are behavioral issues being manifested in the adoptee -everyone

needs to be part of the solution. If the child is older and/or the adoptive parents are not alive and there is no one who

understands the situation, then this is another story. I would not begin with an aggresive presentation of the facts... of
yourself as his biological parent. THIS is your birth son/daughter. I would probably take a 'help me' stance. You believe that
they are the child you surrendered. You can share your own history and your concerns and passions for erasing the
lies....and then allow time for the adoptee to respond and hopefully consider the possibility that you are in fact his birthparent
and that for some reason his parents kept the truth hidden. I know that I would have a passion, a genuine desire to know my
son/daughter and to work on developing a relationship with him if that is something he could do, starting with the elimination of
the veil of secrecy. I do not believe that the adoptee would refuse to listen-especially if he has had concerns and frustrations
about his place in the family. He may even be able to relate, unconsciously, to that passion and desire to move ahead.

2. What was the hardest part of Verrier's Primal Wound for you to accept? What is the basis for your resisitance to the argument? .....Your perspective based upon your side of the triad.

This would be chapter 2: The Connection with the Birth Mother.
My birthson had a very loving and attentive mother and father. They had two children of their own before he was adopted and
consequently were very familiar with the problems involved in parenting. They were perceptive and they watched carefully for
signs of distress as a possible consequence of his separation from his birthmother. My birthson was clearly the love of their
lives and he was a very well adjusted and happy child. I am clear on the bond that the boy and the adoptive mother had...and
he is joyful when he speaks of those memories. They are very important and very vivid because it has only been a short time
since her passing. Verrier's discussions on birth mother/child connections were difficult for me because I do not feel that my
birthson consciously felt that he had an empty space within, reserved only for his biological mother-that ownly she could fill.
I believe that Verrier is saying that no matter how close adoptees are to their adoptive parents a space is reserved, was created, for the
mother who gave them birth. I believe in some cases the reverse is more in evidence..,.that the space in the birth mother exists and
must be filled in order for her to move ahead with her life. I also believe that birthmothers find that it cannot be filled. I think it
is correct that we seek that anticseptic which will numb the pain we have from our separation. But we were adults alreadywhen this occured, so we
can choose what we feel is important to use as a filler and maybe we even acknowledge that it may or may not be effective.
Perhaps it serves us for a year, or a few hours or just maybe for a lifetime. I believe that what we use is a bridge to our own
extensions, our dreams and our desires. Maybe it is another child. Maybe it is a passion for productivity which will stimulate
and restore our creativity and our desire for emotional growth. So I had difficulty with the concept of a primal baby/birth
mother connection which when severed may be manifested in my son as insecurity and that what remains are the preverbal menories of abandonment. If the adoptive family is perceptive and they were, if they are sensitive and they were, and they understood
the need for baby/adoptive parent bonding (particulary with the mother) and if my birthson acknowledges that he felt this love,
sensitivity and bonding, then I must acknowledge that it must be so. So I question the blanket acceptance of that primal
connection. When the birth mother leaves her child, can it be masked over in time with a growing attachment for the adoptive
family. I am inclined to think that for some adoptees, biology becomes important later in life when the child is an adult and
can consciously create a space for his biological past. It is exciting and it is frightening but it is an adventure that the adult
can embark on with curiosity if he has a positive self image and sufficient maturity. My thoughts then led me to the
possibility that in some cases the adoptive family may more easily meet the needs of the child....especially if they are an
already established family with traditions, a group culture so to speak, as opposed to a single mother.
If we are inflexible in our view that the first mother provided the setting and in abandonment left this empty hole which she
alone can fill, arent we stirring up the waters of what might be a successful bonding with the adoptive mother. I cant help but
admire the fact that my birthson harbors no negative feeling toward me or his birthfather and is in fact embracing the growth of
his new realtionships with us. Distrust is not something that is at all evident.

3. Do you feel that adoption, although it has had some changes over the past 20 years, will ever loose the negative stigma that most people place on it? More important, do you think that the image of birth mothers will ever change from negative to positive.

Negative image of birth mothers: First...I mean so disrespect to the wonderful birthfathers who have struggled with their issues and been supportive in the birthing of their child and the subsequent relinquishment to adoption.

The predominant 'culture' in this country has a base which is somewhat diverse. We might
also say that it is a selective amalgamation of those values which are deemed significant by our social, political
and/orreligious networks. These values are sometimes enthusiastically defined but not always mutually encompasing. For
example, it is a given that a mothers love for her child dictates that abandonment is not acceptable within the culture. A father
is no different. Experience suggests that sometimes the father feels that his personal 'value' overrides the moreys of society
and he is unable to assume responsible for decisions regarding the welfare of his child. An unwillingness or unreadiness to
embark on the rigors of parenthood might be suggested. Responsibility perhaps becomes an inconvenience. Unfortunately
in our society, empowerment is sometimes unequally rewarded. Does 'biology' or family line embrace the new child?
Is this what we preserve and hold sacred...for the good and happiness of the child? I believe that as long as there is mutual
respect and acceptance of responsibility then the 'image' of birthfather or birthmother does not become an issue. Love has no
blame.

Negative stigma placed on adoption: I think we need to look outside of our culture for alternatives to American practices of
permanent placement (adoption). I would like to suggest that the 'Hanai' tradition and the Hawaiian definition of 'ohana' or
family provides a beautiful cultural alternative to closed adoption and to some extent open adoption as well. To hanai a child,
only the agreement is necessary. Legal documents are not involved. In traditional Hawaiian culture , family status is awarded
much more generously, creating a platform for effortlessly accepting and loving someone elses's children as ones own.
'Parents' are those who love and care for a child. They act as parents. Blood relationship is not a necessary component of
parenting. The most significant difference between American adoption and the hanai tradition is that it does not take biological
parents out of the picture. In old Hawaii particularly, life revolved around the extended family. This 'Ohana' consisted of closely
and distantly related peole who share nearly everything: land, food, children, staus and Aloha. People who they loved or
people who joined them in activities were ohana. Children were frequently offered to the grandparents out of respect, as a gift
of the greatest possible value. No stigma was attached to being 'hanai'. And this is important: The practivce of hanai was
used to ensure that the Hawaiian culture was passed on to the younger generation. The claim of the grandparents to raise the
child actually took precedence over the claim of the parents. Children were also passed out of respect to relatives and
sometimes Ohana friends who had no children. In modern Hawaii, the term 'hanai' is still used. The hanai child who has his
mother and father and hanai auntie and grandfather is a child very rich in love.
It is food for thought. Aloha ka kou

To continue to the next leg of this book tour, please visit the main list at The Open Adoption Examiner.